First off, I know you are asking, “Why 9 tips?” Because everybody does 5 or 10 or 15, let me be original here! There are plenty of scientific facts that we all know that are good for our health, and usually ignore, but these following little gems are handy little pieces of info that will keep you healthy in many ways!
Flush Your Stress
Flushing a toilet gives one great satisfaction. Don’t lie; think about it, it does. A good stress reliever is to leave a pen or pencil in the bathroom. When you go to your throne for the last time before bed, write on a piece of toilet paper all of people who pissed you off today, all of the situations that pushed your buttons and then throw it in the toilet and flush the day’s shit away. Tomorrow will be a brand new day!
Sprinkle some black pepper on it
Next time you are in the kitchen and the universe reminds you that you are not the great and highly attractive Gordon Ramsey by allowing you to cut yourself with that paring knife. Treat the cut like you normally would by first washing it with soap and water. (If this is not normal to you, it sure as hell should be!) Then grab the black pepper and sprinkle it on the cut. Don’t worry, you big baby, this won’t sting a bit (I swear to it!) The pepper has actually been found to have properties to stop bleeding and act as an antibacterial agent. This gives a whole new meaning to Dr. Pepper!
Freeze a Fever
Are you sick? Flu? Didn’t get the shot? Me either, so we can together take heed to this tip! A fever over 102 degrees needs to be brought down very quickly. To do this place a bag of ice, a pack of ice, frozen peas (still in the bag) either under your arm or near your groin. This will cool the body’s core quickly! You may freeze off your mommy and daddy parts, but it will bring the fever down quickly. Then go to the doctor, because you are sick my friend.
Karate Chop a Wound with Honey
You are in the kitchen again, still trying to be Gordon Ramsey, and you cut your finger again! (This is what you get for not listening to the universe B.T. dubs). Oh shoot, you used all the “Dr. Pepper” on the cut you got 20 minutes ago! There is something even better in your kitchen to help you this time. Again wash the cut as you normally would, with soap and water (Seriously you guys, c’mon!) and then before you place a sweet Superman or Hello Kitty band-over your booboo, dab a little honey on the cut. Studies suggest that honey is pretty much a bad ass and can Bruce Lee the heck out of all the strains of bacteria that commonly cause wound infections. Yeah, that little bear can kung-Fu some bacteria and he isn’t even a panda! Bow to your Sensei!
Nudie Mags save the Day
So a case of Miller Light in and you and your buddies are watching the UFC fight. You decide it would be totally awesome to take your friend down, Brock Lesner style. You and him start with a boxing match and quickly take it down to the ground and have a little ground and pound. As erotic as this is to almost nobody in the room, all of a sudden your boy puts you in a Kimura and you scream like a bitch, because your arm is now broken. Turns out you are less of a Brock Lesner and more of a skanky ring girl. That broken arm can’t hurt more than your pride at this moment. It’s ok though, your Playboy magazine collection will help you. No not because the pictures and the super interesting articles will take your mind off the screaming pain in your arm, but because it can be used as a cast until you can be fit with a real one. By placing the affected arm’s wrist palm down on the magazine and then rolling it into a U shape to cradle your little baby arm. Secure it with tape, bandages or strips from one of your lame t-shirts. Don’t forget to take the subscription renewal card out, you owe Hef at least that much.
Taking a long car drive to a vacation destination or my personal nightmare, home for a holiday? You’re driving along past pastures and rest stops and forests and truck stops with glory holes in the restrooms. You notice a few hours into your great American adventure (or down the highway to Hell) your back is starting to hurt. You can do this yourself or have a passenger pour a freezing cold beverage down the back of your shirt. If you’re not cool with that (pun totally intended!) I guess you could pretend, which is lame and will probably not give you the same effect, but whatever. The way your body reacts when something cold goes down your back, pulling its shoulders back and bending the spine inward is how your posture should be each time you drive. Lest you end up looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Fuzziness for Stress
Do you have a best friend? A furry one? If you don’t go adopt a shelter dog or make it a point to snuggle with your Snoopy more often, especially if you have high blood pressure! Studies have proven that the simple act of petting a dog can lower blood pressure in times of stress. This may prevent you from “Hulking” or worse yet stroking out!
Age is no Excuse
Lose your car keys again? So you are 20 years old and you lose your keys. Who do you blame? Someone else. Your roommate moved them; your mom took them while you were sleeping in her basement. It’s never your fault that your keys are M.I.A. Fast forward 40 years. You are now a 60 year old man. You lose your keys. Who do you blame now? Yourself. Not your wife or your kids or your mom if you are lucky enough to still be living in her basement. You blame it on your old age and forgetfulness. This was found in a study. I didn’t make it up. Point is DO NOT EVER DO THIS! Never use your age as a reason for anything and you’ll stay younger a lot longer!
Always use the very first stall, nearest the restroom door when using a public restroom. After over 50 public restrooms were analyzed it was found that the first stall had the least amount of the ickies and more toilet paper! This is because people don’t feel they get the privacy they so crave while doing the #1 or #2 or a combo, so they go further down the line of stalls. Good for them, I will push an old person out of the way to get to the first stall after reading this study! (Just kidding I would never!)
Bonus Fact: For you O.C.D.ers out there you may count this as a nice, even, round 10. This is perhaps THE most important tip of them all. Don’t eat while you read this one, put down your snack. Here it is: NEVER, EVER, EVER flush the toilet in a public restroom while you are still seated. Not only because doing that seems weird to me, but because a fine mist will fly around your bunghole bringing with it intestinal bugs and hepatitis. Nobody is going to believe you got Hep from flushing a toilet while still sitting on it. So you should stand, put your pants back on, before you flush, (with your foot) and avoid this all together.
Hopefully these tips will help keep you healthier or at least keeps you from making a cameo on “A 1,000 Ways to Die.”